Have you ever considered what the “self” really is? Most people tend to think of it, I suppose, as a conscious and emotional “center” of experience that is distinct from others and that has a sense of continuity through time and place. However, the self (or soul) has the ability to “transcend” itself, that is, to become conscious of itself, and this sets up an inner “dialog” within that enables the self to examine its own thinking, or to regard itself in relation to itself…. In this connection Soren Kierkegaard wrote of two types of “despair,” by which he meant a condition of being wrongly related to your self. First, you can despair by rejecting (or denying) the self, and second, you can despair by elevating and exalting your self. In the first case the self is “lost” or abandoned by various forms of escapism; in the second case, the self is “idolized” and given god-like prerogative; in either case, however, the self is in despair because it is not grounded in the truth of reality, since there can be no true “self” apart from relationship with God who is the ground of all being…
This is connected with the task of cheshbon ha’nefesh (חֶשְׁבּוֹן הַנֶּפֶשׁ), or taking account of ourselves to do teshuvah (i.e., repent). Note that Kierkegaard understood the experience of the “self” as a conscious “synthesis” of the infinite/finite, the temporal/eternal, and freedom/necessity, all in relationship to God, who is the Source and End of self-conscious life. We will exist in a state of “despair” when we attempt to deny any one of these paradoxes and thereby choose to understand ourselves apart from relationship with God. We all stand at the “crossroads” of the eternal and the temporal, and we can only know ourselves for what we are when we surrender to God for each irrepeatable choice of our lives. Because of this, teshuvah (or “repentance”) is an ongoing activity of the heart – the “daily bread” and sustenance in the way of becoming whole before God.
In your fight against evil, it is important not to become evil yourself, or as Nietsche once colorfully said, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” Applied inwardly this means that we are careful not to hate ourselves in the battle we have with our sin. We can escape the “shame-pride” cycle when we turn away from ourselves by knowing ourselves only in relationship with the Lord who loves and gave himself for newness of life. We turn away from the hell of our past mistakes and turn to God who is our only remedy from death. When we know ourselves only through God’s love in Yeshua, we find ourselves as beloved in relation to Him.
Any idea of the “self” apart from God is a dead-end (Prov. 14:12). Indeed, if we find the courage to honestly look within we soon discover that we are filled with violent desires and are loveless at heart: “For out of the heart comes evil…” (Mark 7:21; Jer. 17:9). The essence of Torah is to love, to “do good and no evil,” but we are inherently selfish, judgmental of others, calloused, and proud. So how can we do the impossible?
There is a persistent temptation to regard our inability to love as the result of something other than our own inner perversity, or what the Bible calls “spiritual death.” If we are not careful, we will pray that the Lord will show mercy and compassion on that which is to crucified, buried, and taken away. God does not reform our carnal nature but puts it on the cross to be done away, and then he replaces it with a radically new nature based on the Spirit and resurrection life… This great miracle of God is found in union with the Messiah’s life. “Live in me and I will live in you,” Yeshua says, “as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it finds life in the vine, neither can you, unless you find life in me; for apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:4-5). You cannot do the impossible, but with God all things are possible (Mark 10:27; Phil. 4:13).
Therefore the ability to love comes by the miracle of God (Ezek. 36:26; 1 John 4:19). As we live in Yeshua, we find life, love, light, truth, and salvation from the hell of a loveless heart. Unite yourself with his death, burial, and resurrection; reckon yourself to be immersed into him, death-for-death, life-for-life (Rom. 6:8-11; Col. 3:1-4). “Unless a seed of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it abides alone…” (John 12:24). Yeshua is the source of all life, and we find nourishment, strength, and fullness of joy as we connect with him.
By faith therefore affirm: “I have been crucified with Messiah, and it is no longer ‘I’ who live, but Messiah who lives in me” (Gal. 2:20). There is a new “I” that comes from above, known only in spiritual relationship with the Savior. The miracle of the exchanged life comes as we surrender to the truth of what God has done for us (2 Cor. 5:17). That’s the essence of the gospel, “the power of God for salvation to all who believe” (Rom. 1:16). Therefore we do not attempt to crucify ourselves, or labor to reform our lower nature, but we instead accept that we already have been crucified by the mercy and power of God. We clothe ourselves in the robes of his righteousness as we celebrate God’s redeeming love for our lives. Only then are we empowered by the Spirit to truly “love the LORD and keep his charge”; and only then will we have a true self… Amen.
…