Spirituality is lived now, in this world… “I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one” (John 17:15). We are “in but not of” the world; we are part yet also not part of it… This is the tension of living in the realm of the “already-not-yet.” We are haunted by a sense of incompletion – a yearning for the fulfillment of our salvation, an inner ache that helps focus the heart’s affections…
A paradox of the spiritual life is that we must descend to ascend… We enter at the “straight gate” of humility and brokenness. We all sin; we all fall short. First we must accept our own “dark side” — our own sinful nature — before we can ever come to know the light… This is the path of confession – acknowledging the truth about who we really are, which is the only way we can learn to “endure ourselves” and eventually let go of our shame. We find ourselves when we give up our defenses and take hold of God’s compassion. We all have our sins; now we must find our courage in God’s love.
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- Psalm 51:3 Hebrew Card (pdf)
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We must learn to “endure ourselves…” We can’t deny who we are; we can’t pretend to be what we are not. The root of shame is self-rejection. This is the hidden anguish of heart that leads many of us astray. As Henri Nouwen said, “There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.” We don’t come to the cross to destroy ourselves but to find deliverance and life: our brokenness is a means to this greater end. We “take up the cross daily,” which means learning to forgive and endure ourselves… As Tillich reminds us: “The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself as accepted in spite of being unacceptable…”
In this age, we are part of a seemingly endless journey of falling down and getting back up once again. It is this struggle, this “good fight of faith,” that eventually ennobles the heart and establishes character… In light of this, we must refuse to lose heart when things appear to be going badly, and likewise we must remain vigilant when things seems to be going well. The goal of the process is always to be in heartfelt, genuine, and earnest relationship with the LORD. As Madame Guyon once wrote, “You are born into the world like an illegitimate child who has no idea who his father is. But God comes and draws you out of your old life. He cleanses you and gives you back your innocence.”
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