Teshuvah (“repentance”) is often described as “turning” back to God, though practically speaking it is an ongoing turning, that is, a turning to God both in moments of ambiguity, pain, and distress, as well as in moments of respite and relative happiness… It is in the midst of the ego’s clamor, before the parade of worldly desire or pressure, in the crucible of “everydayness” that we must “come to ourselves” and find true wonder. In that sense, teshuvah is a sort of focus, a direction, a seeking, and a center of life, the place of constant repair for the inner breach we constantly feel. It’s a long road home to finally understand you belong at your Father’s table…
The question may be asked, however, whether you really want God – the Living God – to be intimately present in your life. “Repentance means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into… It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death” (C.S. Lewis). Indeed, “nothing is more certain: coming close to God brings certain catastrophe [to the ego]. Everyone whose life does not bring relative catastrophe has never even once turned as a single individual to God; it is just as impossible as it is to touch the conductors of a generator without getting a shock” (Soren Kierkegaard). As the Scripture says, “It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God” (Heb. 10:31).
It is written in the Mishnah (Avot:15b), “repent one day before you die,” but who knows the day of one’s death in advance? Therefore “seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him when he is near” (Isa. 55:6). “In eternity you will not be asked how large a fortune you are leaving behind – the survivors ask about that. Nor will you be asked about how many battles you won, about how sagacious you were, how powerful your influence – that, after all, becomes your reputation for posterity. No, eternity will not ask about what worldly goods remain behind you, but about what riches you have gathered in heaven. It will ask you about how often you have conquered your own thought, about what control you have exercised over yourself or whether you have been a slave, about how often you have mastered yourself in self-denial or whether you have never done so” (Kierkegaard).
Read more “Seeking God in Exile…”