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Some Jewish Humor - Page 8

Learning Hebrew

Breaking the fast

Iranian Airplane

You Moses!

Kohen Wannabe

Jewish Country Songs

Zen Judaism

Holiday Diet Guide

The Real Mother (in law)

Learning Hebrew

[Goybert greets Yoshi]:

"Hello Yoshi, I heard you know Hebrew"?

"Yes I do." replied Yoshi.

Goybert: I was wondering what the Hebrew for he is?

Yoshi: Hu. ()

Goybert: Not any one in particular, I just wanted to know what is he?

Yoshi: Hee () is she.

Goybert: Who?

Yoshi: No, Hu () is he.

Goybert: I thought you said he is she?

Yoshi: Yes, that is correct.

Goybert: What is correct?

Yoshi: Hee () is she.

Goybert: I have no idea what you said. Who is she?

Yoshi: No, hu () is he.

Goybert: I dont want to know who he is, now I want to know what she is in Hebrew?

Yoshi: Hee. ()

Goybert: He Who?

Yoshi: Yes that is correct. But, hee () is she.

Goybert: Who is she?

Yoshi: No, hu () is he.

Goybert: Why do you keep asking me "who is he"?

Yoshi: I thought you were asking me what he is in Hebrew?

Goybert: Me?

Yoshi: That is who. ()

Goybert: Who is me?

Yoshi: No, hu () is he, mee () is who.

Goybert: I don't want to know who you are, I want to know who is he?

Yoshi: That is correct.

Goybert: But, I have no idea what I am saying.

Yoshi: But you say it so well.

Goybert: Who me?

Yoshi: Why are you asking me who he is? ()

Goybert: No, I am asking you what is he.

Yoshi: Hee () is she.

Goybert: Who is she?

Yoshi: No, hu () is he.

Goybert: I am very lost. Me is who? Who is he? He is She?

Yoshi: Very good, you said that very well.

Goybert: What did I say?

Yoshi: Mee is who (), hu () is he and hee () is she.

Goybert: Well if you must know, you are crazy, I don't know who he is and if she is a he, I sure don't want to know her?


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You Moses!

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

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Zen Judaism

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small claims court.

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, warlike nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."

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Shapiro Breaks the Fast

Shapiro's son, Greg, walked up to his father's rabbi during the break between the Musaf and Mincha services on Yom Kippur.

"Rabbi Pollak, you must help me. I know that we're supposed to fast this day, but I am so thirsty -- I must be allowed to have something to drink!"

Rabbi Pollak quietly, but firmly responded, "I am sorry, but it must be pekuach nefesh (life-threatening) before the fast may be broken."

"But, you don't understand," whined young Shapiro, "if I don't get something soon, I am going to faint from thirst."

Shapiro had continued on for some time when the rabbi finally relented and instructed the Gabbai to give Greg a shot-glass of water.

Young Shapiro quickly downed the liquid, whereupon he gasped, "That's the last time I have salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur!"

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Kohen Wannabe

Note: Every Kohen is a Levi, and every Levi is an Israelite, but not every Levi is a Kohen, nor an Israelite a Levi. Got that?

Moishe wants desperately to be a Kohen. After nudging his rav about it, the rav cannot convince Mosihe that he just cannot MAKE him a Kohen. But, he tells Moishe to go to a different shul where no one knows him. When they ask who is a Kohen, Moishe should volunteer and no one will ever ask or know the difference.

So, the next Monday morning, Moishe goes to the other shul. Just before Torah reading, the shamash asks, "Are there any Kohanim?" Moishe quickly raises his hand. The shamash replies, "Oh! We have a chatan and a yahrzeit for two Yisra'elim today. So, could you do me a favor and leave the room?"

Note: On account of Tahara laws, Kohanim are not supposed to be in a room during a funeral.

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Diet Guide for the Jewish Holidays

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

The Yo-yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

  • Rosh Hashanah: Feast
  • Tzom Gedalia: Fast
  • Yom Kippur: More Fasting
  • Sukkot: Feast
  • Hashanah Rabbah: More Feasting
  • Simchat Torah Keep Feasting
  • Month of Heshvan: No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
  • Hanukkah: Eat potato pancakes
  • Tenth of Tevet: Do not eat potato pancakes
  • Tu B'Shevat: Feast
  • Fast of Esther: Fast
  • Purim: Eat pastry
  • Passover: Do not eat pastry
  • Shavuot: Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
  • 17th of Tammuz: Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
  • Tisha B'Av: Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
  • Month of Elul End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive.

And then do it all over again!


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The Iranian Airplane

The captain of an Iranian airliner broadcasts in a bind, "This is Iranian Airlines Flight 174 announcing we have lost an engine and wish to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel."

No answer.

A short while later he announces, "This is Iranian Airlines Flight 174. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel."

No answer from anyone.

A while later the pilot announces, "This is Iranian Airlines Flight 174. We are in desperate need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel.

Still no answer.

Finally, the Captain calls, "Mayday, mayday! This is Iranian Airlines Flight 174, we have only one engine left and it is failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mideast, INCLUDING Israel.

Immediately a voice is heard in the Iranian cockpit: "This is the Tel Aviv Airport Tower calling Iranian Airlines Flight 174. We would be delighted to help."

"God bless you," said the Iranian pilot, "what should we do sir?"

The Tel Aviv Airport control tower operator says, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash ...."

Note: "Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..." are the beginning words of the Kaddish, the prayer for the dead.

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Jewish Country Songs

  1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
  2. "Stand by Your Mensch"
  3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
  4. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
  5. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
  6. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
  7. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
  8. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
  9. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
  10. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
  11. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
    (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"


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The Real Mother (in law)

A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns.

One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.

A wise old rabbi was called to solve the problem.

After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."

To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other woman."

The rabbi said: "Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!"

Note: See 1 Kings 3:16-28 for the allusion.

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Chatan: (n); Groom; chossen (Y)

Gabbai: (n); pl., (gabbaim) (a) person responsible for the proper functioning of a synagogue or other communal body; (b) a kind of organizing secretary to a Rabbi

Kaddish: (n); (lit. "sanctification"): A prayer, which marks the conclusion of a unit in the service and which is also recited as a mourner's prayer. The Kaddish, which makes no reference at all to death, is actually a doxology. When used by itself, the term is often used to refer specifically to "The Mourner's Kaddish". When mention is made of "saying Kaddish", as part of the mourning rituals (sitting shiva) or the commemoration ceremonies (yahrzeit), the reference is to the Mourner's Kaddish, and is unambiguous.

Kohen: (n); A priest. A patrilineal descendant of Aaron (brother of Moses). Every Kohen is a Levi, and every Levi is an Israelite, but not every Levi is a Kohen, nor an Israelite a Levi.

Kohanim: (n pl); The hereditary caste of priests.

Mincha: (n); Afternoon prayer service.

Musaf: (n); Additional prayer service held following the morning service on Shabbat and Festivals, commemorating the additional offerings brought in the Temple on these days.

Nosh: (n); Snack

Pekuach nefesh: A matter of life and death.

Rabbi: (n); Leader of a Jewish congregation, similar to the role of a priest or minister.

Shabbat: (n); the Jewish Sabbath day, from Sundown on Friday to Sundown on Saturday, wherein no melakhah (work) is permitted. Ashkenaz spelling: Shabbos.

Shamash: (n) Servant; synagogue attendant; sexton

Shul: (n/Yiddish); Also spelled Schul. Synagogue; the place of worship for a Jewish congregation.

Yahrzeit: (n); (Yiddish, "year time") Anniversary of a death, observed with prayer and memorial candles. Generally: a funeral; memorial service.

Yisra'elim: (n pl) Israelites (as opposed to Levi'im or kohanim).

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"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion

Disclaimer / Note:  All the jokes listed here are understood to be in the "public domain," unless otherwise noted.... If are the original copyright holder of a joke listed here, please contact me and I will either remove it or provide a link back to your original.

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