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Some Jewish Humor - Page 1

The Frum Bear

Rules for Jewish Living

Learning to be Jewish

Favorite Cookies

The Jewish Knight


Yiddish Proverbs

Jewish Mothers Q&A


The Frum Bear

A man, out for a walk in the woods came across a bear. Frightened for his life, he ran as fast as he could to escape and hide in a cave. He was horrified to find that the bear followed him into the cave trapping him. He closed his eyes and recited "Shema Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying!

The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! He's frum! We're mishpocheh...and I'm not Kosher.  I'm saved!" He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."

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Jewish Mothers Q&A

Q. What is a genius?
A. An average student with a Jewish Mother.

Q. What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
A. You never write, you never call, you only come to see me when you need money.

Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
A. Who catered it?

Q. What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A. Guilt

Q. What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
A. Gefiltered

Q. Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
A. So her daughter would visit twice a week

Q. Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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The Jewish Knight

A Jewish doctor makes a great medical discovery for which the Queen has decided to grant him knighthood. At the ceremony, as she touches his shoulders with the sword, he is supposed to recite an ancient Celtic blessing.

However, for all his medical genius, the doctor cannot seem to memorize the required Celtic words. On the day of his investiture, the nervous doctor waits his turn as several others are being knighted before him. As he listens to one after another correctly recite the Celtic blessing, he grows more and more nervous.

Finally, when he kneels before the Queen of England and she taps his shoulders with the sword, the good doctor completely forgets the Celtic words, and substitutes the first foreign words that pop into his head: "Ma Nishtahnah Ha Lailah Ha Zeh."

The Queen, clearly confused, looked to the gathered crowd, and says, "Why is this Knight different from all the other Knights?"

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Learning to be Jewish

We were baby-sitting for my grandkids and my wife was playing a word game with cards with the five-year-old, Brittany Goldberg.

The little one had just drawn her second "O," and was trying to make a word with the other letters she had. She put them together in front of her, switching the letter cards and looking for a word she knew.

Then with a triumphal cry, she said "look Grandma, I made a word!"

When my wife looked at her cards, she had lined up the cards to spell K-O-O-B.

Beckie asked, "What kind of word is 'koob'?"

"No Grandma, you're not saying it right -- it says 'book'."

Beckie had a sinking feeling.  Has the little one got dyslexia, she wondered?  She said gently, "But, darling, you've spelled it backwards!"

With a sigh reserved for dumb adults, she explained, "Of course I have.  I'm Jewish!"

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Favorite Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite rugalahs wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven; there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite rugulahs.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the rugalah was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a rugalah at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Don't touch," she said, "they're for the shiva."

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Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings

If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!

Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.

Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.

Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.

Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.

If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.

If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.

You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.

Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.

One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.

For dying, you always have time.

When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.

Silence is the fence around wisdom.

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Synagogue Services

One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."

"Good morning rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?

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Some Rules for Jewish Living

  1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
  4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
  5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
  6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
  7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
  8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
  10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
  11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
  15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
  16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
  18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
  19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Sears.
  20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
  23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
  25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
  26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cedilla and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
  27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 40.

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Bris: (n) (Yiddish) Circumcision ceremony; b'rit.

Daven: (v) (Yiddish) To pray, esp. from a Siddur or prescribed prayers from a prayerbook.

Frum: (adj) (Yiddish) Observant; Kosher;

Gefilte Fish: (n) Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Hamotzi lechem min haaretz: (phr) Hebrew blessing "who gives bread from the earth," said before partaking a meal in a Jewish household.

Kippa: (n) (Yiddish) A small head covering (kippah); yarmulke.

Kosher: (adj) Ceremonially fit to eat.

Kvell: (v) (Yiddish) To gush with pride; to glow over one's (grand)children.

Ma Nishtahnah Ha Lailah Ha Zeh: (phr) (Hebrew) "Why is this night different from other nights?" One of the "four questions" a child traditionally asks during a Passover Seder.

Mishpocheh: (n) (Yiddish) Family.

Mitzvah: (n) Commandment; Righteous act; "good deed"; blessing.

Next Year in Jerusalem!: (phr) Said when celebrating Passover in the Diaspora; Jews who are already living in Jerusalem say, "L'shanah ha'ba b'Yerushalayim ha'benuyah! Next year in Jerusalem, [the Temple] Rebuilt!"

Rugalah: (n) Delicious Jewish cookie.

Shammas: (n) (Yiddish) Servant of the synagogue; sexton; chief concierge.

Shema Yisrael: (n) (Hebrew) The main creedal statement of Jews declaring that G-d is One.

Shiva: (n) (Yiddish) Seven day period of mourning prescribed by frum Jews and halakha.

Siddur: (n) A prayerbook containing the key Hebrew prayers for synagogue service.

Tallis Bag: (n) (Yiddish) A decorative bag for holding a tallis (tallit) or prayer shawl.

Tallis: (n) (Yiddish) A prayer shawl.


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"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion

Disclaimer / Note:  All the jokes listed here are understood to be in the "public domain," unless otherwise noted.... If are the original copyright holder of a joke listed here, please contact me and I will either remove it or provide a link back to your original.



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