The Old Mohel
The old mohel, Dr. Carver still did circumcisions. One afternoon he was called to the Goldberg house. The baby and guests were waiting anxiously.
The mohel came out of the room a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Goldberg,
''Do you have a hammer?''
A puzzled Mr. Goldberg went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. Dr. Carver thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked,
''Do you have a chisel?''
Mr. Goldberg complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Goldberg. He asked, ''What are you doing to my son?''
''Not a thing,'' replied old doc Carver. ''I can't get my instrument bag open.''
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The Jewish Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only three people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces! The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh hoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised"!
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Martin was in Children's Hospital awaiting an operation, sharing a room with another boy who was also waiting for an operation. The boy turned to Martin and said, "What operation are you having?"
Martin responded, "I'm here to have my tonsils removed."
"That's a great operation! I had mine out a year ago. They let you play computer games. They give you all the ginger ale and ice cream you want. They treat you like a King."
Martin looked at his companion and asked, "What operation are you having?"
The boy looked at Martin and said, "I'm here for a circumcision."
Martin paused for a moment and then said, "Gosh, that's too bad. That's a terrible operation. I was circumcised the first week I was born and I didn't walk for a year!"
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"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
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One Yom Kippur, in a little shul in Gunnysack, New York, the rabbi stops in the middle of the musaf service, prostrates himself beside the bimah, and cries out, "O God. Before You, I am nothing!"
The chazen is so moved by this demonstration of piety that he immediately follows suit, throwing himself to the floor beside the rabbi and crying, 'O God! Before you, I am nothing!"
In the ensuing silence, a shuffling is heard in the back row. Saul Blumenthal jumps from his seat, prostrates himself in the isle and cries, "O God! Before You, I am nothing!"
Seeing this, the chazen nudges the rabbi and whispers, "So look who thinks he's nothing?"
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Aharon bought a new parrot and sat up all night trying to get him to talk - in Yiddish!
The next morning, as Aharon began to put on his tefillin and say his prayers, the parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Aharon explained, the parrot wanted some too. Aharon went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot.
The parrot then wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Aharon spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Aharon came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Aharon rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Aharon explained that Schul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Schul on Aharon's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Aharon was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Chazen. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Aharon convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Aharon. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the bird during services. The parrot perched on Aharon's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Aharon heard not a peep from the bird.
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Aharon found that he owed his Schul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the schul the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Aharon stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars! Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah portions. And after that you begged me to bring you to Schul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be silly," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"
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Essence of a Sermon
A rabbi delivers a sermon of monumental depth and pith that lasted nearly one hour. As soon as he finishes, the president walks up to him and tells him that, since he is a newspaper editor, he could assure that the sermon would make it into print. However, he would have to reduce it into the written equivalent of half the time that it took to deliver.
"No problem" says the rabbi. I'll reduce it to fit." ...and so he does.
The article appears and another member of the Shul Board, who is a TV producer, invites the rabbi to deliver it on the air... BUT... he had only a five minute spot.
"No problem" says the rabbi. "I can reduce it to fit the time slot." ...and so he does.
At the end of the TV show, the producer says to the rabbi "that was a wonderful sermon. Beautifully written and delivered but tell me something, please. If you could reduce it to fit the article and the TV spot... why the heck did you waste 55 minutes of our precious Shabbat sleep time?"
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In a gantseh Conservative shul in Toronto there once was a president who was a nice businessman but Jewishly, well, he was "ritually-challenged." On Rosh Hashanah the gabbai offered him an aliyah. Panick-stricken, he said "No no no, I can't read the Hebrew blessings, I'll embarrass myself."
The gabbai said: "you HAVE to take some honor, you're the president!"
"Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"
The Gabbai thought for a minute and suggested "how about Gelilah?"
"What's Gelilah?" said the president?
"Simple," replied the gabbai, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted, and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down."
Relieved, the president accepted the honor.
And so, right after hagbah, the president came up, put on the breastplate and the crown, and went back to his seat.
The gabbai came running over and said "NOT ON YOU, on the TORAH, on the TORAH!!"
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How we got the Ten Commandments
This is a little known tale of how God came to give us the Ten Commandments.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
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Aliyah: (n); (lit. ascent) the honor of reciting blessings for the Torah (by going up to the bimah); (also- to immigrate to the Land of Israel).
Bimah: (n); A raised platform for the clergy during services.
Chazen: (n); Cantor; Synagogue official responsible for chanting services.
Daven: (v); To pray (from the Yiddish, with a particular emotional sense). These prayers, often with instructions and commentary, are found in the Siddur, the traditional Jewish prayer book.
Gabbai: (pl., gabbaim) A person responsible for the proper functioning of a synagogue or other communal body; sexton; shamish.
Gantseh: (adj Yiddish) "big."
Gelilah: (n) The ritual act of tying up and covering the Sefer Torah (Torah Scroll) as an honor in the synagogue. This includes "dressing" the Torah scroll with a mantle, breastplate, and crown.
Hagbah: (n) Also spelled Hagbahah. The honor of raising the Sefer Torah (Torah Scroll) for the congregation to see. Ashekenaz and Sephardic traditions differ as to when this should occur -- before or after the Torah reading.
Mohel: (MOY-el); a Jewish ritual circumcisor who performs a brit milah ritual circumcision on the penis of a male who is to enter the Jewish covenant.
Musaf: (moo-SAF); additional prayer service held following the morning service on Shabbat and Festivals, commemorating the additional offerings brought in the Temple on these days.
Rabbi: (n); Leader of a Jewish congregation, similar to the role of a priest or minister.
Rosh Hashanah: (n); The Jewish New Year and start of the High Holiday season, which includes Yom Kippur, ten days later.
Shul: (n/Yiddish); Also spelled Schul. Synagogue; the place of worship for a Jewish congregation.
Tefillin: (n); "phylacteries." These are worn by males at the weekday morning (Shacharit) services. The boxes have leather thongs attached and contain scripture passages. One box is placed on the head, the other is placed on the left arm, near the heart.
Yiddish: (n); A language based on medieval Rhineland German used by Jews in eastern, northern, and central Europe and in areas to which Jews from these regions migrated. It also contains elements of Hebrew, Russian, and Polish, and it is commonly written in Hebrew characters.
Yom Kippur: The Day of Atonement, devoted to confession of sins and reconciliation with God, ten days after Rosh Hashanah.
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"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
Disclaimer / Note: All the jokes listed here are understood to be in the "public domain," unless otherwise noted.... If are the original copyright holder of a joke listed here, please contact me and I will either remove it or provide a link back to your original.